Remake Alert!: Fuck Remakes. Boycott!

When I started writing about remakes on this blog I held a complicated opinion regarding the recent trend of Hollywood remakes. To put it simply - I was on the fence. I could appreciate some remakes, I've enjoyed some, not enjoyed others, and some are just insulting. Now, more than ever, it seems there isn't a single working filmmaker who would be opposed to a big budget remake.

My opinion was recently simplified by reading an editorial piece on CineRobot, a blog I've enjoyed for quite some time now. Replicant, the cyber-brain behind the scenes at CineRobot, wrote an article deriding the upcoming movie Death Race. It just so happens I had already written two articles to that same effect. Death Race is, of course, a remake of Death Race 2000. The comparison between the names alone leaves much to be desired from the remake. Some executive said to himself: "How can we make our worthless piece-of-shit movie sound like a watered-down rehash of a classic campy sci-fi murder romp? Let's take 2000 out of the title. That'll really give them less to be excited about."

The original already took place in an alternate timeline!!! Why didn't they just stick with that? Why not go the route of "A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...."??? Dumb asses.

Here's a sample of the insight that finally pushed me over the edge: [from CineRobot]

Remakes have always been apart of Hollywood history but there is a big difference in remaking a film from the 1970s now versus when a film from the 1930s was remade in the 1950s or 1960s. Now, we can all rent the original films on DVD anytime we want, unlike audiences in the past who had to rise up off the couch and venture down to the single screen theatre to see whatever they wanted to see. Those were the days pre-IMDB, pre-video store, pre-Netflix, pre-video on demand, pre-dozens of movie channels on your TV. Remakes in that era made perfect sense because every twenty five years or so audiences were completely recycled for stories.

Too true! I have endless swathes of information at my fingertips all the time. There is no excuse anymore for not knowing that a movie is a remake. There is no excuse for trying to market such a movie as anything but a remake. There is no excuse for the complete lack of originality on display in Hollywood today.

Please join CineRobot and myself in saying....

FUCK REMAKES. BOYCOTT!

Fuck you Hollywood. Come and get me.

The Wasp Woman (1959) Review: The Brief Version

To read the full version on Analog Medium, click here.

... There must have been a lot of groans when The Wasp Woman was completed in 1959, especially since it followed closely on the heels of The Fly, from 1958. ... Looking back on The Wasp Woman, there is endless entertainment to be had. ... More than any of that, while watching The Wasp Woman I was struck by the fundamental difference between the standard cash-generating flicks made today and what Roger Corman and his team (including Jack Hill, who directed the prologue) were doing back then. ... The Wasp Woman has more story to it than 90% of the films made today. ... I'm not saying that The Wasp Woman is necessarily a better movie than the low budget crap that gets spit out today. I just felt a lot less insulted by it.

The Bird Cage (1972) Review: The Brief Version

To read the full version on Analog Medium, click here.

The Big Bird Cage is a lovely movie all around. ... The Big Bird Cage is a damn entertaining movie. ... The action starts quick in The Big Bird Cage. ... Basically, The Big Bird Cage hits like you wanna be hit, and doesn't bullshit.

The Big Doll House (1971) Review: The Brief Version

To read the full version on Analog Medium, click here.

... Before Caged Heat, before Ilsa, She Wolf of the SS, there was The Big Doll House. ... So why does The Big Doll House, and its sequel The Big Bird Cage, pwn the competition so fiercely? ... Even people who haven't seen [Pam Grier's] movies (The Big Doll House was the first) are well acquainted with her style, her ethos, her attitude. ... The Big Doll House gives you more than what you want, from the first drum roll for the bad ass theme song sung by Pam Grier to the last explosion. ... And what I really love about The Big Doll House (and its sequel) is that it rewards you for watching to the end. ... I don't want to give the end of The Big Doll House away, I'll just give a hint: one girl, two machine guns. ...

Fear Chamber (1968) Review: The Brief Version

To read the full review on Analog Medium, click here.

... This isn't the preferred method for making a coherent movie, whether horror, sci-fi, or otherwise, but it was the method employed for Fear Chamber. Jack Hill was hired to direct Fear Chamber, along with 3 other films that would end up being some of the last on screen appearances of Boris Karloff. ... Really, though, I'm glad Fear Chamber was eventually finished, even though the end result sometimes feels like it was edited with a butcher knife. ... The whole film is undoubtedly grimy, but it's certainly worth the watch for anyone who appreciates unique concepts in horror and science-fiction, especially when the two intersect. ...

I love 3-D!

Every so often I hear more news about the impending explosion of 3-D movies. I friggin love 3-D movies. You have to submit yourself to the experience, rather than passively contemplating the flashing images on the screen. I wrote about the return of the 3-D a while ago. Here's more news from comingsoon.net

----

"While 3-D movies have been around for quite some time, Katzenberg thinks the innovative films will dominate the theaters and his team is actively going to ensure that happens.

"Just to put into context for you how big I think it is for us and for the business as a whole, I think to date there have been two great revolutions in movies. When we went to silent films to talkies and the second is when we went from black and white to color. I actually think this is as big and I think it will be as prevalent and as impactful. In some short period of time, meaning while we're all still around, movies will be in 3-D. Not some movies, movie theater experience will be a 3-D experience," he said.

The DreamWorks Animation CEO told us the studio has made an alliance with Intel and will capitalize on their industry-leading products to roll out Ultimate 3-D (animated films in 3-D from start to finish) features with Monsters vs. Aliens being their first project to hit theatres on March 27."

----

[Read the full article]

Remake Alert! - Suspiria

Status of the Suspiria remake: script is done, looking for financing

Check out Dario Argento on Analog Medium

Suspiria (1977) is too epic to put into words. Dario Argento is best at the visual, the pacing, the nuance - all the stuff you can't help but see to experience. The remake will most likely be a steaming pile of dog shit. Interestingly enough, the director of Pineapple Express is attached to the project, so who knows. At least the guy understands stoners are funny.

Read the article on shocktillyoudrop

Natalie Portman is "attached" to star in the remake.

P.S. - I can't believe I haven't reviewed the original for AM!!!! I need to get on that.