Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Remake Alert! - Poltergeist (2011)


No stars attached, no final script, nothing considered remotely solid to report on... but there you have it. You better believe Poltergeist (1982) is getting remade - most likely into a shitty CG cookie cutter of a haunted house movie. The original is one of my all time favs. It's the kind of movie that has horror movie charm oozing out of every orifice. It's a perfect example of the remake epidemic - a classic that will most likely sell well repackaged for the modern market. But at what cost??? Sully the franchises name in hopes of a quick buck? Do your thang Hollywood! Do your thang.

Check out the script review for an outdated version of the script on Latino Reviews (WTF? why?)

More 3-D Horror!


I love 3-D movies... I especially love 3-D horror. Japanese 3-D horror??? Can't say I've ever seen one. Could be fuckin rad!!!

Taken from Screen Daily:

Asmik Ace Entertainment has unveiled details of Japan’s first live-action digital 3D feature, The Shock Labyrinth, which The Grudge director Takashi Shimizu started shooting earlier this week.

Based on an original screenplay by Daisuke Hosaka, the horror-thriller follows a group of teenagers dealing with the sudden return of a friend who went missing a decade ago. When the friend falls ill, they take her to a hospital but end up trapped in a labyrinthine haunted house.

The film’s central setting is inspired by the Labyrinth of Horrors attraction at Fuji-Q High Land amusement park, near the base of Mount Fuji. The attraction set the Guinness world record for the largest haunted house in the world. Much of the film is being shot on location during the park’s off hours.

A 3-D, Japanese horror movie filmed in a haunted house? I'll prepare my brain for meltdown. Can't wait!

Monday, May 18, 2009

Remake Alert! - Jekyll and Hyde (2010)


Watch out! 50 Cent is about to take the horror remake world by storm! He's bringing the same talent and craftsmanship (sarcasm implied) that he brings to his to his music to the big screen. Forrest Whittaker is also attached to the project, due in 2010. How do I know this remake is going to blow goats? I read between the lines:

"Director Abel Ferrara is taking another walk on the wild side with a re-imagining of Robert Louis Stevenson’s The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, which will be contemporized and titled Jekyll and Hyde. Forest Whitaker and Curtis “50 Cent Jackson are attached to play the lead roles in the classic tale about a doctor who invents a potion that unleashes his violent alter ego." (Variety)

"Contemporized" is never a good word to describe a remake. Usually it means they include scenes with cell phones and email. In this case, I imagine they'll transpose the story to an "urban" setting - aka The Ghetto. In any case, I can't imagine 50 Cent offering up even a fraction of the physical expressiveness necessary to pull off the switch between personalities integral to the plot. And who's going to play which part, I wonder? 50 Cent as a mad scientist??? Doubtful. They'll probably make him Hyde. Either way it's gonna blow goats. Trust me, I know these things. I'm from the internet.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

The Wild, Ridiculous World of 3D


I LOVE 3-D! I'm fairly certain I've mentioned that in the past. Seeing as I haven't posted to this blog in half a year, though, I thought it was worth mentioning again. The current 3-D craze in movie theaters is already reaching a fever pitch. Everyone seems to be getting in on the action. That means there's some beautiful examples of 3-D being made these days - as well as some utter shite. And every ridiculous iteration in between. I compiled a short list of the most ridiculous sounding 3-D movies headed for theater and video. (And I mean ridiculous - even worse than Night of the Living Dead 3-D!)

Bait - In a sleepy coastal resort community, shoppers at an underground supermarket find themselves terrorized by a crazed bandit when the unimaginable occurs… A monstrous freak tsunami swallows the town. Now trapped inside a flooded supermarket with an armed maniac and rushing water threatening to entomb them all in a watery grave, the imprisoned band of survivors discover they’re not alone. The tsunami has brought some unwanted visitors from the depths. As the waters rise they must overcome not only the threat of drowning, but another threat, just as deadly and far more bloodthirsty… Packs of hungry tiger sharks.
pulled from Twitch

Humpty Dumpty - When an female alien is, ahem, "abused" by two rednecks, she gives birth to a human-creature hybrid that goes on a killing spree in Humpy Dumpty.
pulled from Shock Till You Drop

Piranha 3-D - They’re back! Every year the population of sleepy Lake Havasu explodes from 5,000 to 50,000 for a single, wild weekend - the 4th of July, a riot of sun, drunken fun and sex-crazed mayhem. But this year, there's something more to worry about than hangovers and complaints from local old timers. Havasu sits in the crater formed by a prehistoric volcanic eruption, and when earth tremors tear open a crack in the lake floor, all hell breaks through. Piranhas - a million ravenous, razor-toothed monsters, unchanged since the dawn of time. Unstoppable killing machines acting blindly under one primeval impulse: to hunt down anything that moves and strip it to the raw, bleeding bone. In seconds.
pulled from Bloody Disgusting (nothing interesting behind this link)
Be an extra in Piranha 3-D!

Packs of hungry tiger sharks terrorizing a supermarket? 3-D alien rape? A remake of Piranha directed by Alexandre Aja? Endless fun can be had at the expense of these movies. Join me in a laugh. A hefty 3-D belly laugh.

Monday, December 15, 2008



I should be writing...

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Remake Alert!: Fuck Remakes. Boycott!


When I started writing about remakes on this blog I held a complicated opinion regarding the recent trend of Hollywood remakes. To put it simply - I was on the fence. I could appreciate some remakes, I've enjoyed some, not enjoyed others, and some are just insulting. Now, more than ever, it seems there isn't a single working filmmaker who would be opposed to a big budget remake.

My opinion was recently simplified by reading an editorial piece on CineRobot, a blog I've enjoyed for quite some time now. Replicant, the cyber-brain behind the scenes at CineRobot, wrote an article deriding the upcoming movie Death Race. It just so happens I had already written two articles to that same effect. Death Race is, of course, a remake of Death Race 2000. The comparison between the names alone leaves much to be desired from the remake. Some executive said to himself: "How can we make our worthless piece-of-shit movie sound like a watered-down rehash of a classic campy sci-fi murder romp? Let's take 2000 out of the title. That'll really give them less to be excited about."

The original already took place in an alternate timeline!!! Why didn't they just stick with that? Why not go the route of "A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...."??? Dumb asses.

Here's a sample of the insight that finally pushed me over the edge: [from CineRobot]

Remakes have always been apart of Hollywood history but there is a big difference in remaking a film from the 1970s now versus when a film from the 1930s was remade in the 1950s or 1960s. Now, we can all rent the original films on DVD anytime we want, unlike audiences in the past who had to rise up off the couch and venture down to the single screen theatre to see whatever they wanted to see. Those were the days pre-IMDB, pre-video store, pre-Netflix, pre-video on demand, pre-dozens of movie channels on your TV. Remakes in that era made perfect sense because every twenty five years or so audiences were completely recycled for stories.

Too true! I have endless swathes of information at my fingertips all the time. There is no excuse anymore for not knowing that a movie is a remake. There is no excuse for trying to market such a movie as anything but a remake. There is no excuse for the complete lack of originality on display in Hollywood today.

Please join CineRobot and myself in saying....


Fuck you Hollywood. Come and get me.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

The Wasp Woman (1959) Review: The Brief Version


To read the full version on Analog Medium, click here.

... There must have been a lot of groans when The Wasp Woman was completed in 1959, especially since it followed closely on the heels of The Fly, from 1958. ... Looking back on The Wasp Woman, there is endless entertainment to be had. ... More than any of that, while watching The Wasp Woman I was struck by the fundamental difference between the standard cash-generating flicks made today and what Roger Corman and his team (including Jack Hill, who directed the prologue) were doing back then. ... The Wasp Woman has more story to it than 90% of the films made today. ... I'm not saying that The Wasp Woman is necessarily a better movie than the low budget crap that gets spit out today. I just felt a lot less insulted by it.